You know it’s going to be rough when your therapist keeps describing the current month as “Hell month.” Because it is, it totally is.
My father died on April 26th, at about 2a.m. in the morning (although for me, it was “late at night”). I’m beginning to realize just how profoundly this affects my yearly life cycle; I don’t think it is coincidence that, historically, I am most often laid off/quit my job in late May/early April. I do think it is coincidence that my divorce happened one year ago in April, but it is an eerie coincidence all the same.
This year I’m heading into my father’s Death Day anniversary right on the heels of finals week in graduate school. I’ve barely scraped by with my academics, which for me means that I’m getting straight As for what I consider marginal work. I have not updated this blog in a month, and my creative writing has fallen off the radar. I’m clinging. Just…clinging.
I started a new part time job that is fairly stressful, although I was honest with my employer from the first that I consider this a temporary gig (as it has no relation at all to my various career paths) and that hiring me during the last two weeks of the semester meant she was not getting my 100% effort. It felt good to be honest about that, even if it hurt my pride a little. I suppose that, right there, shows some personal growth. I hope.
I’m also not sure anymore what I’m doing with this blog. I created it mainly as venue for Grieving Futures, so that people who need to read that book can find it. Four months in, I think the tone I set for it is wrong, and I need to revamp it. I’m just not sure how.
So, yes: Hell month. I’m putting one foot in front of the other, keeping going because that is the best I can do right now. Grief has a way of scrubbing us down to our marrow.
