I was talking to my friend David recently about funerals. He is an observant Jew who had attended an Evangelical Christian funeral, and was appalled by the fact that the music was recorded. I have to assume it was a pretty terrible choice of hymns or a cheap sound system or both (although of course he had no idea) because I have been in churches where pre-recorded music is handled well. In this case, though, it clearly wasn’t.
He joked about making his wife promise that she would not play canned music at his funeral, whereupon she noted that music isn’t really traditional in a Jewish service.
That comment made me realize that while I do value ritual, there is a definite freedom in being a free of religious strictures regarding how a funeral is performed. Absolute freedom can be chaos, so practically speaking I think it’s a good idea to at least start with a “traditional” structure that might be familiar to those attending, but insofar as content and dressings we have the chance to get creative.
There are some bloggers out there now looking at new traditions and “funeral design” from a modern perspective. The Modern Mourner, though apparently abandoned, has some good ideas in its archives. Black Ribbon blog is a great source of inspiration as well. Grief expert Chelsea Hanson, through her online store and blog With Sympathy*, offers some really inspiring ideas for remembrances (particularly, follow her twitter account for great suggestions and links).
As the saying goes, funerals are really for the benefit of the living, but it is also important to honor the memory of the deceased. I’m not going to say that non-deists have a leg up on this topic, but I do think that we underestimate our abilities to create a moving and meaningful experience because we are so used to being overshadowed by religious tradition. We have the freedom to pick and choose — e.g. canned music, no; mourning wreaths, yes — and we should exercise it.
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* Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with Hanson’s business efforts. I just admire what she is doing.
